Back in 2010, I wrote about my fitness-buddy pact with my niece, Xanthi. We started working out together way back in 2008, before she had started college. I shared elements of our experience in my Revolutionary Acts blog, which includes a fun video and podcast with Xanthi (see “Fitness-Buddy Transformations”). The basic story, though, is that my niece dropped a lot of weight, got into terrific shape, built her body confidence and discovered her athleticism.

Over the course of a few years, I witnessed a wholesale transformation in Xanthi. She changed her eating; learned to handle her gluten intolerance; took up running, cycling and lifting weights; earned her 4th-degree black belt in karate; and eventually joined the University of Wisconsin–Stout’s rugby team. She rapidly became a top player and just last year was named team captain.

This morning, I gave Xanthi a big hug goodbye and wished her luck as she headed off for the Midwest Rugby All-Star tryouts in Illinois. In that moment I realized, perhaps for the first time, that my baby bird was leaving the nest. My fitness buddy was heading off into a world so far beyond my own fledgling athleticism, I could hardly even relate to it. And I couldn’t have been more proud.

Although our fitness-buddy arrangement started out with me as “teacher” and Xanthi as “student,” today those roles are reversed. Xanthi long ago surpassed me in every aspect of fitness. Now, I couldn’t keep up with her if I wanted to. And having seen this girl mix it up on the rugby field, let me assure you I would never dream of trying.

Today, I regularly go to Xanthi for lifting tips. She put me through my first TRX and sprint “ladder” workouts. She also encouraged me to try my first Zumba class.

We haven’t been for a run together in a while now, because at this point, I have to ask Xanthi to slow her pace on my behalf. That gives me immense pleasure, though, because when we first started running together, it was I who had to slow my pace for her.

The fact that I can no longer keep up with my old fitness buddy doesn’t bother me in the least. I now have a great new buddy in my personal trainer, and a wonderful group of yoga pals with whom I enjoy practicing regularly. And Xanthi has a whole team of rugby-pal workout partners with whom she trains, hardcore, almost daily.

Some things haven’t changed: Xanthi and I still compare workout notes and sore muscles. We still swap fitness tips and give each other high fives whenever one of us achieves a new workout goal. But we’ve also given each other enough space and flexibility to pursue the goals that matter most to us individually, and to do so in a way that respects our other priorities and passions.

In many ways, I feel like our experience offers a great illustration of what a good fitness-buddy relationship is supposed to be — a transformative, feel-good, inspiring partnership that helps everybody move forward in the direction of their fitness dreams.

One reason we dedicated this issue to healthy connections is that we wanted to shine a light on the power of our interconnectedness, and the way that our personal relationships can provide support for our well-being.

From Elena Brower’s insights on the important role community plays in supporting our healthy perspectives to our feature on various types of fitness-buddy arrangements and how to make them work for you, I hope this issue gives you an opportunity to reflect on your own healthy-community connections, and to do whatever you can to make them even stronger.

As we noted in a feature we ran back in September 2010 (“A Healthy Kind of Contagious”), research suggests that social factors can have a huge influence on individuals’ daily health-and-fitness habits, as well as their health outcomes.

So surround yourself with people who are healthy, or who are inspired to get healthier. If you haven’t already found yourself a fitness buddy, by all means, start looking. And if you aren’t sure where to start, see if there’s a good group fitness class or club at your local gym or rec center. Because one thing’s certain: If you’re trying to get healthier and more fit, you are most definitely not alone.

For the past couple of years, I’ve been doing the fitness-buddy thing with my niece, Xanthi, now 19. It started with me giving her some basic pointers on heart-rate training and running form, but it rapidly evolved into a full-fledged mutual support system — and then into something of a transformation story.

Over the course of the past two years, Xanthi has lost a ton of weight. But more important, she also became an all-around fitness fiend, AND turned into a serious athlete (recently, she was named the University of Wisconsin-Stout Women’s Rugby Team’s Rookie of the Year, and this summer, she made the Wisconsin Women’s All-Star team).

I interviewed Xanthi last week about her experience (you can listen to the podcast here), and during the course of that conversation I realized something: Having a partner in crime — whether a buddy, a mentor, a trainer or a coach — may be the single most powerful advantage both in getting satisfying results from the start, and in maintaining a training program over time.

(Read the rest of this article, which first appeared at experiencelife.com.)

For the past couple of years, I’ve been doing the fitness-buddy thing with my niece, Xanthi, now 19. It started with me giving her some basic pointers on heart-rate training and running form, but it rapidly evolved into a full-fledged mutual support system — and then into something of a transformation story.

Over the course of the past two years, Xanthi has lost a ton of weight. But more important, she also became an all-around fitness fiend, AND turned into a serious athlete (recently, she was named the University of Wisconsin-Stout Women’s Rugby Team’s Rookie of the Year, and this summer, she made the Wisconsin Women’s All-Star team).

I interviewed Xanthi last week about her experience (you can listen to the podcast here), and during the course of that conversation I realized something: Having a partner in crime — whether a buddy, a mentor, a trainer or a coach — may be the single most powerful advantage both in getting satisfying results from the start, and in maintaining a training program over time.

The accountability factor is huge, of course (most of us are far less likely to skip a workout if we know someone is waiting for us), but I think there’s also something to be said for having a constant companion and witness for the process, and for the transformations that inevitably take place.

Some of those transformations are physical (see the videos and pictures, below). Others are more subtle, and in some ways more profound.

Xanthi, fall 2008, prior to our fitness-buddy pact

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Video: Our first fitness-buddy training session, December 2008

Xanthi and me after our first 5K, spring 2008 — Xanthi had already lost about 25 pounds.

Xanthi (and rugby teammate), summer 2010 — now super-fit and 65 pounds lighter than when we began.

For example, one of the things Xanthi shared with me during her reflections on our experience together was how dramatically her sense of identity shifted as she grew stronger, more confident and more in touch with her athletic side.

What I got out of this experience was pretty transformative, too. For one thing, at some point I realized that Xanthi had come to see me as something of a fitness mentor — something I would never have predicted was possible.

I’ve always considered myself a bookish, not terribly athletic person. And from my point of view, all I did was show Xanthi how to strap on a heart-rate monitor and point her in the right direction.

But working out with Xanthi over the course of a couple of years, encouraging her, helping her take stock of her amazing progress, sharing with her the bits and pieces of fitness and nutrition wisdom I’d picked up during my years editing Experience Life and that I felt might be helpful to her — all of that shifted my own sense of identity, too.

For one thing, it really drove home for me that the simple act of maintaining a relatively regular exercise schedule, of eating well and taking care of myself over the course of the past decade had made me — at least in Xanthi’s eyes — someone to look up to, a role model of sorts.

And that made me see myself in a new light. It made me want to stay my course, to stay true to my own health-and-fitness commitments, and maybe even ratchet them up a notch.

It also made me keenly aware, in a way I hadn’t really taken stock of before, that the commitment I’ve made to being healthy has been transformative not just to me and Xanthi, but ultimately to everyone around me.

It’s helped me be present, energetic and level-headed at work. It’s helped me show up for the people I love. It’s given me the strength and focus and optimism to keep driving toward the bigger goals that matter so much to me.

And that, of course, is the whole idea behind the magazine’s new tagline: Being Healthy Is a Revolutionary Act. (I’ll write at greater length about that soon, but you can read the basics in my Thoughts From the Editor column, if you like.)

Anyway, I have loved every minute of my fitness-buddy experience with Xanthi — well, except for a few of those final kettlebell reps and a couple of killer sprints. And I look forward to many more years of being goaded by this beastly child into working far harder than I otherwise would. (When she’s outrunning me, I take comfort in reminding myself that she IS more than 20 years my junior.)

So what about you? Do you have a fitness buddy? Do you wish you had one? If so, what’s keeping you from buddying up? I think there’s an article in this, so send on your stories and thoughts, please!

P.S. For those of you who go way back and may remember my writing about my earlier fitness-buddy experiences with my dad, now 80, you’ll be happy to know he’s still working out — three to four times a week with two different trainers for strength and balance — and he’s in terrific shape. He’s made an excellent recovery since his accident, and although he now has to cope with a slight limp, we still take walks together on a regular basis.

Back in my thirties, while going through a difficult transition, I used a visualization exercise to help me rethink my life (you can read more about that in my January/February column “What’s Your Plan?”). One of the unexpected outcomes of that exercise was that it freed up a bunch of energy and enthusiasm I’d been inadvertently suppressing since my teens.

I also discovered a new willingness to take better care of myself. I developed an interest in fitness, improved my eating habits, and dropped 10 pounds. But perhaps most important, I began redefining my own notion of who I was, what I wanted from my life, and what I wanted to give back.

Great, right? Well, yes. But also daunting. On one hand, I felt like I’d found my Big Answer. On the other, I was suddenly faced with a whole new set of questions. As I started pursuing my new path, I began running into a seemingly endless set of barriers, from fears and doubts to gaps in my skill sets and knowledge base.

I also encountered a lot of what Harvard psychologist Robert Kegan calls “competing commitments.” This is when one of our conscious goals bumps into one of our unconscious beliefs and is quietly but brutally clobbered by it. (Learn more about this fascinating concept in our article “How to Overcome Immunity to Change.”)

For me, the most interesting thing about all this was that, for the first time, instead of encountering my barriers and thinking, “Oh well, I guess this just isn’t going to happen for me,” I began looking at obstacles as invitations to grow and get stronger. I began experimenting with what it would feel like to be on the other side of my self-doubt. And you know what it felt like? An exhilarating, liberating rush.

One part of me would think: “But I don’t want to go to that yoga class. I am too tired. Besides, I’m not good at yoga, and I don’t know anybody, and I’ll look stupid and feel horrible about myself.”

And the wiser part of me would respond: “OK, maybe so, but what if you do it anyway? At least then you can be proud you were strong enough to face down all your fears. And doesn’t that matter more than whether you can do some pretzel-like asana?”

And then, wham, I’d get this flood of new energy plus a fluttery feeling in my stomach. What I felt was no longer low-grade terror or resistance; it was anticipation, excitement, courage. I’d go to the yoga class, I’d have a good time, and I’d come out feeling ready to try something even more challenging.

Looking back on it now, I think that rush I kept experiencing was the byproduct of something psychologists call “self-efficacy.” It’s the sense of confidence you have when you know that you can do what you set out to do.  Some people are more naturally endowed with it than others, but all of us can build it by setting small goals and following through with them. And the more self-efficacy you have, the more likely you are to take on bigger challenges and succeed, even in the face of considerable obstacles.

Ultimately, I became happily obsessed with this whole notion of self-directed change. I started inhaling personal-development books, going to workshops and experimenting with different techniques.

Over time, I started gathering and tweaking the things that worked best for me into an anthology of exercises, insights and tools — a “greatest hits” collection I could refer back to whenever I ran into trouble, or just needed a fresh hit of motivation.

Today, I call that anthology my “Refine Your Life” course. Earlier this year, I offered it at Rancho La Puerta, a top-rated wellness resort, and it was a huge success. So now we’re offering the course online, too, through The en*theos Academy for Optimal Living. By the time this issue hits newsstands, the four-week live course will already be in progress (feel free to join in!), and the first sessions will be available in the archives. (Learn more at ELmag.com/entheos_ryl.)

Through our partnership with en*theos, we’re making this course available to Experience Life readers at a reduced cost (25 percent off the $100 fee). For folks who need financial assistance, a limited number of scholar­ships are available by request. In the future, we’ll be offering other courses, too (your suggestions welcome). But if online learning isn’t for you, no worries. This issue of the magazine is packed with all sorts of other great ways to build your energy, improve your outcomes — and discover just a little bit more of your own amazing potential.

I’m a fan of Rilke’s wise advice to “live in the questions.” But lately, ever since we launched our popular “101 Revolutionary Ways to Be Healthy” app, I am getting one question that always leaves me flummoxed: Of all 101 Ways, what’s your favorite? 

The problem is, there’s no way I can choose just one. I love them all. And so that question keeps nagging at me — but in a nice way.

Recently, under the pressure of preparing a lecture, I did manage to narrow down a top-10 list, but I had to mix and match a bit to get there.

So here, in no particular order, are my top 10 acts of acts of healthy rebellion:

1. Don’t believe most of what you’ve been told about health — especially by large, conventionally-minded “authoritative” organizations.

2. Forget about quick fixes (fad diets, weight loss pills, miracle drinks and powders, etc.). They don’t work, and often make matters worse.

3. Eat whole foods, real actual foods (not products, not diet stuff) and learn how to prepare them in ways you enjoy. A few sub-points here:

• If you are eating mostly whole foods, don’t worry too much about calories and fats.
• Do be afraid of trans fats, rancid fats, crappy industrial vegetable oils, factory-farmed meats, and industrially processed meat products.
• Eat lots of plants, especially dark leafy greens and brightly colored veggies. They are packed with phytonutrients and fiber, and they also help you adjust to your taste preferences in healthier directions. (For more advice on that front, see “Paleo vs. Vegan.”)
• Minimize your intake of flours (even “whole grain” flours) and sugars. They set the stage for inflammation, high cholesterol, insulin imbalance, cravings, mood imbalances, weight gain and even certain cancers.
• Avoid preservatives, artificial sweeteners, added flavors and other non-food ingredients.

4. Aim for 85%. Dietarily and otherwise, you don’t have to be perfect. Trying will make you miserable and a loner in most circles. It will also cut down on your fun and pleasure — and pleasure (in moderation) is good for you.

5. Identify and respect any food intolerances you might have, even if it means you will be forever categorized as a “weird picky eater.” Gluten and dairy are in practically everything, so if you don’t eat them, you will be weird. But anything you are intolerant to inflames your body, and inflammation breeds disease. Better weird than sick.

6. Move your body however you like, but find a way to move regularly. Sitting kills. Moving regularly improves circulation and detoxification, helps balance blood sugar, maintains body composition, improves mood and enhances sleep.

7. Sleep! Sleep is when your body repairs itself, when your brain makes key connections. Sleep is also critical to healthy metabolism, immunity and resilience. And most people don’t get nearly enough.

8. Be in charge of your health. Learn about your body. It’s great to assemble a posse of wise counselors and helpers — but you still need to be in charge. Realize that most conventionally trained doctors are better trained in disease than in health. Beware relying on prescription drugs for chronic conditions. Many (like those for blood pressure, cholesterol and stomach acid) are overprescribed, and have serious side effects. Most chronic disease has chronic causes, and those chronic causes are largely within your control.

9. Do your personal work. Address the mental, emotional and social issues that are presenting barriers or setting up negative patterns in your life — from body image issues, addictions, job or relationship troubles, to just not being sure what you want to do with your life.  Keep in mind that stress is responsible for 85 percent of doctors visits, and is the trigger for all kinds of inflammatory conditions.

10. Connect with healthy community. Build an active, inspiring peer group. Learn from others. See getting healthy as an adventure and a challenge, and an opportunity for discovery. Greet the challenge with other brave people you enjoy.

I guess if I had to choose just one, overarching favorite from the “101 Ways” it would be No. 1: “Defy Convention!” But I reserve the right to pick a new favorite tomorrow.

Which reminds me: Our “101 Revolutionary Ways to Be Healthy” mobile app is now available not just for iPhone and iPad, but for Android, too. It’s a fun, powerful source for daily inspiration, education, motivation and more. Check it out, and then tell me: What’s your favorite?

Do you know how they keep the Golden Gate Bridge looking so neat and snazzy? They paint it a lot. “Continuously,” according to the Golden Gate Bridge Highway and Transportation Web site. Basically, no sooner do they finish painting from one end to the other then they start back at the beginning and paint it all over again. The corrosive salt air eats away at the surface otherwise, so they just have to keep at it. Year in, year out.

I find it works much the same way with clutter. I am forever decluttering — my files, my closet, my purse, my kitchen counter, my entry, my car — and no sooner do I complete one pass than it’s time to begin another.

As with salt air, there’s a corrosive quality to clutter. As it accumulates, slowly but surely, it eats away at my peace of mind, my confidence, my sense of order, my pleasure in my physical environment. On bad days, clutter pecks away at my whole outlook on life.

It starts with mild irritation: OK, where did I put that stupid receipt? 

It builds to a sense of annoyance: For crying out loud, there has to be two weeks’ worth of mail on this table! There’s no place to put a coffee cup! 

It swells to a peevish frustration: Argh! This drawer is too stuffed to close properly. Close, darn you! 

And pretty soon, it crescendos to a full-on red-alert: Nreeee! Nreee! Nreee! My god, how did everything get so horrible? My desk is covered in to-do notes; this closet is one big laundry pile; I’m scheduled to be in two places at once this afternoon — and what’s this? I thought I paid this parking ticket weeks ago! Good grief, there’s probably a warrant for my arrest by now. Well, fine. Great. Whatever. Let ’em come and get me. I doubt they can find me in this rathole of a house anyway . . .  

It’s about this time that I realize I need to do some serious decluttering. So I get up a little early and clear off the top of my desk. (I feel unexpectedly better.) Over the weekend, I fold and put away a big pile of laundry. (My cortisol levels drop, and I find I can breathe a little more deeply.) I file my paperwork and put a vase of flowers on the dining-room table where the giant pile of mail used to be. (Ah, my life once again seems manageable.) I toss out crusty old toiletries and take a load of not-often-used stuff to Goodwill. (I drive home with a renewed sense of  vigor and purpose.)

And so it goes, little by little, until things are starting to feel downright neat and tidy. Which lasts about 15 minutes, and then the whole thing begins again.

I have come to terms with this. I now realize that if my purse is clutter-free, it probably means my silverware drawer is due to be vacuumed out. If my closet is organized, it probably means my laundry room is overflowing. If my table is free of mail, my refrigerator is growing new life forms. And if my filing is up to date, it must be tax time. Which means everything will soon be coming back out onto the table.

This is just the way it is. When I get desperate or overwhelmed by the sheer scale of my clutter problem, I call up my sister, Andrea, for encouragement. She’s the amazing feng-shui-and-decluttering expert whose work is featured in our “Order out of Chaos” series (this month’s bedroom installment; our March issue for a car decluttering; January for a kick-butt closet makeover). And what Andrea tells me is always the same: “Just schedule some time, take on a single space at a time, do what you can. And if you need some help, let me know.”

But what’s amazing to me is, once I get into it, I can almost always handle it myself. I get a kind of crazy thrill from diving in to my own worst clutter piles and coming out victorious on the other side. And, on some weird level, I kind of like that this work is never done.

Perhaps it’s like that lovely bit of Zen wisdom: “Chop wood. Carry water.” I realize “declutter the dining-room table” doesn’t have quite the same ring to it, but I think the central message isn’t so different: No matter how caught up we get in “more important” things, life’s simple, mundane daily chores still need doing. And in doing this maintenance willingly, mindfully, continuously, there are some important rewards — perhaps even a measure of down-to-earth redemption. Here’s to more of that, and to less of whatever is feeling like clutter in your life.

I have often remarked that one of the best things about editing Experience Life is hearing back from our readers that the magazine is making a difference for them as they pursue a healthier way of life. I also love hearing that they appreciate the conscious choice we’ve made to be different from a great many other health-and-fitness magazines.

I think a lot of that difference comes from our relentless, passionate pursuit of what we see as the most central truths about health, and what it really takes to become and stay healthy in a less-than-healthy society. Every day, our whole team is noticing and talking about this stuff: the things that complicate or obstruct our own healthy choices; the support systems and insights that really help; the stories from families and friends who are struggling to get healthier; what we can do, write, research and share that will help them stay strong and determined.

Recently we got a wonderful affirmation for our efforts in this area: We won a Folio award (an Eddie) for our Manifesto for Thriving in a Mixed-Up World — the tear-out chapbook that ran as part of a larger feature I wrote for our January/February 2011 issue: “Being Healthy Is a Revolutionary Act: Renegade Perspectives for Thriving in a Mixed-Up World.” (Both the feature and manifesto are available at RevolutionaryAct.com.)

While every award deserves celebration (and I’m happy to say we won more than a dozen this past year, including the Minnesota Magazine & Publishing Association’s top award for Overall Excellence), I think this award is among the most satisfying we’ve received to date. That’s because it reflects the value and importance not just of this one piece, but of our magazine’s whole underlying “tell the truth” ethic, and our zeal for sparking a healthy revolution on a grand scale.

Over the past year, both Experience Life and its spinoff, RevolutionaryAct.com, have experienced a sort of coming of age. The magazine’s newsstand sales have nearly doubled. Our Web sites and social-media initiatives are enjoying unprecedented traffic. Our “101 Revolutionary Ways to Be Healthy” app has gotten more than 20,000 downloads. And we’re hearing affirmations from all quarters — from “just getting started” health seekers to well-respected experts and advocates — that the time has come for this brand of no-nonsense information and inspiration.

I’m so glad, because the way I see it, none of the other positive changes we hope to make as a society can be sustained without the energy and resilience of a whole lot of healthy, vital people who are committed to giving their best gifts with passion and purpose.

One of the things that drives me crazy about so much of the conventional and health-and-fitness media is that by focusing almost exclusively on superficial, perfect-body ideals, they often fail to ignite our deeper motivations. And by prescribing an endless series of dull, droning diet and exercise “shoulds,” they fail to inspire healthy choices made purely in the name of pleasure, exploration, excitement and fun.

There was a time when I bought into the idea that to be healthy, I’d have to give up a lot of things I enjoyed, and I’d have to start doing things I dreaded. I was sure it would feel like a forced march — a sad path of self-denial I’d have to plod along on for the rest of my life. Ugh.

What nobody told me (or maybe they did, but it was just so far from my reality at the time that I couldn’t believe it) is that virtually every step of that path would reveal exciting new views and yield unexpected rewards, that I’d get stronger and clearer with each mile, and that I’d wind up in a totally different landscape — one brighter, more lush and more appealing by far than the one I’d reluctantly left behind.

That, I think, is the message behind this issue of Experience Life, and also the gist of what we’re hoping our readers and visitors take away from all our related efforts: Start where you are, go forth in pursuit of your healthy passions, trust the road ahead, and enjoy where it takes you.

Last year about this time, I shared an experience I had at age 30 — a moment when I decided to rethink who I was and what I wanted for myself, when I dared to ask myself questions I hadn’t before, and to really listen to the answers. (See January/February 2012 at ELmag.com/whatsyourplan.)

I’ve often wondered how my life might have turned out if I hadn’t taken the time to ponder those questions. Quite probably, this magazine wouldn’t exist. RevolutionaryAct.com and the 101 Revolutionary Ways to Be Healthy app wouldn’t have come to be. Almost certainly, the amazing group of people who make these projects happen would not be working together in the way they are now.

And the millions of individuals whose choices and lives are in some way touched by what our team does every day — well, there’s no way of knowing how things might be different for them, too, and for the people and projects all of their lives touch.

None of us can ever know the extended outcomes of all our choices, or how they’ll play out over time. And frankly, I can’t think about that too much or I get kind of freaked out.

(Read the rest of this article, which first appeared in Experience Life magazine.)

It took a lot of hard work and focused choices. But here you are — perhaps weeks or months into your fitness program — and you’re beginning to see and feel some real results. You’re looking leaner and more fit. Your clothes are fitting looser. You’re feeling lighter, standing taller, moving faster on your feet. Hey, you’re seeing a whole new person when you look in the mirror!

And then, something strange happens. Suddenly, perhaps subtly, you find yourself making choices you used to make, resuscitating less-than-healthy behaviors you thought you’d given up. Bit by bit, you start reclaiming that loose space in your clothing and retreating into the more familiar look and feel of your former, less-fit self.

So what gives? People get derailed from what appear to be successful fitness and weight-loss programs for all sorts of reasons, of course. In some cases, life circumstances or unrealistic expectations are to blame. In other cases, people burn out on overaggressive regimens, or simply fail to transition into sound maintenance programs. But there are also times when people abruptly reverse course for no apparent reason.

In such cases, there’s often an unconscious factor at work, and for anyone who has been working intently toward a fitness goal, the unraveling of all that hardwon progress can be both a maddening and mystifying thing to behold. It may seem as though we have a divided self, with one part of us willingly doing the work of getting in shape, and the other part of us busily deconstructing our progress while we’re not looking.

This, according to cognitive psychologist Michael Hall, PhD, is a classic case of “cognitive dissonance,” a psychological phenomenon that arises whenever an individual holds two opposing (i.e., dissonant) thoughts, beliefs, values or goals. In many cases, explains Hall,
one of our opposing ideas — or “frames of thought,” as he calls them — might be far less conscious than the other, but still surprisingly powerful. “If left unexamined,” he says, “our unconscious frames may compel us to act in ways we don’t entirely understand — ways diametrically opposed to our more conscious choices.”

A Method to the Madness

The key to understanding and dispelling such problems, according to Hall, lies in recognizing that some part of us is served — or at least thinks it is served — by our self-sabotaging actions. “One part of you may be committed to the idea of losing weight, and be motivated by the idea of looking more attractive and feeling more fit,” Hall explains. “But there may be another part of you that’s not at all convinced this unfamiliar state of being is safe or desirable. It experiences the change as a threat — a danger or challenge to another important value — and so it acts to reverse it.”

When it comes to issues of body shape and body image, though, we may find such reversals particularly perplexing. Why on earth, we might wonder, would any part of us not want to be in the healthiest, most attractive body possible?

Hall, cofounder of the International Association for Neuro-Semantics (www.neurosemantics.com) and coauthor of several books, including Games Slim and Fit People Play (Neuro-Semantic Publications, 2001) and Secrets of Personal Mastery (Crown House, 2000), explains this phenomenon in terms of “meaning” and “performance.” We attach meanings — interpretations, judgments, emotional associations — to everything we experience, he says, and then we perform, or behaviorally act out, those meanings in our everyday lives.

“The challenge,” he notes, “comes when we simultaneously associate two different or opposing meanings to a single experience, but don’t fully recognize that.” The meanings we attach to our bodies, in particular, Hall says, tend to be deeply personal, powerful and complex. We might have both very positive and very negative associations, for example, with the idea of an attention-getting figure, he explains. On the one hand, we may crave
that kind of attention, and desire the benefits it confers. On the other, we might hold a deep-seated belief that people with attractive bodies are superficial, or we might dread the idea of being perceived and judged in relation to our appearance. Regardless of our
conscious desires, Hall says, we’ll typically wind up acting out whatever meanings are most deeply held, or operating more actively, at any given time.

The challenge is that in many cases, we don’t even realize we hold a negative meaning until some triggering aspect of a given experience presents itself. Or worse, we never recognize it at all, but we react to it just the same. “Let’s say you decide to lose some weight and get in shape,” Hall says. “Consciously, because you attach many positive meanings to being slim and healthy, you perform those meanings by making positive lifestyle choices like exercising more and eating better.” Initially, you might be comfortable — even elated — about your progress. But then, as your body takes on unfamiliar characteristics, you may experience some unanticipated (and subtly disconcerting) reactions.

“Perhaps, as the result of your new appearance and fitness level, you begin to feel more sexually attractive and more confident,” Hall says. “Even though you might consciously attach many positive meanings to your desired state of thinness, if you have a more powerful, subconscious belief system that says getting sexual attention isn’t safe, or if you associate confidence with arrogance, or with the risk of being criticized, those beliefs may make the experience of your new thinness feel dangerous and deeply unappealing.”

As long as the unconscious, negative associations carry more import and meaning than your conscious desire to be thin, Hall asserts, they’ll cause you to begin performing those meanings — typically in ways that undermine your former, fitness-oriented behaviors.

Identifying the Disconnect

Whether you’ve self-sabotaged your fitness efforts in the past, or just want to guard against it happening in the future, your first step toward dismantling patterns of destructive mental processing is to learn to recognize them when they are happening.

To that end, make regular mental and emotional check-ins a part of your fitness plan. If you notice you’re feeling weird, uncomfortable or disoriented in your body, or if you identify that you’re engaging in a behavior that seems contrary to your chosen goals, get quiet for a moment. Go inward and ask yourself: What’s going on? What feelings or assumptions are operating now, and how do they support or oppose my most conscious priorities?

Hall refers to this moment of mindfulness as a “choice point” — a time when you can elect to either elevate your chosen frames and meanings, or let them be overridden by less conscious choices.

Using the suggestions in “Friendly Frames” (sidebar) as a starting place, take an inventory of your responses to both physical- and emotional-level changes. As you get into the habit of noticing what beliefs, reactions or assumptions are operating at a given time, you’ll become more adept at identifying your personal patterns, and at devising solutions for removing the psychological obstacles in your way.

At some point in our lifetimes — nah, scratch that — at several points in our lifetimes, most of us wind up pondering what the heck we are doing here, and what we want to do next.

I first started giving these questions serious consideration while I was in college, but it wasn’t until I turned 30 that they really started slapping me upside the head. Thirty will do that to you.

Somehow, I realized, my 20s had gone by. When I’d graduated from college with a degree in comparative literature, I had been pretty sure I wanted to be a professor. But a year of teaching in France on a scholarship had convinced me that neither the classroom nor the life of a scholar was for me. I was too interested in too many things, too passionate about being out in the world, and about wanting to change it for the better.

So, for nearly a decade after returning to the United States, I tried on various hats while I tried to eke out a living: I worked for a soccer-wear company, an intellectual-property law firm, a print shop and a political consulting firm. Nothing stuck. Nothing resonated.

Still, little by little, I began to notice which kinds of work I enjoyed, and which bored me to tears. I discovered what came naturally to me, and what came only with struggle. And after a decade of this fumbling exploration, I realized it was time for me to get serious about leading my life like it mattered.

First, I ended a five-year, on-again-off-again relationship that was draining my energy and going nowhere fast. Then, hungry for a change of scenery, I accepted the invitation of an East Coast friend who had kindly offered to let me come stay with her while I sorted out my next steps.

As I packed up my Toyota and drove across the country, I concluded that this was as good a time as any to reinvent myself, and to go in search of a better future.

A couple of days and a thousand miles later, I found myself parked on a beachside bench on the south shore of Boston, painfully aware that I was starting from zero. So I began asking questions and capturing the answers — stream-of-consciousness style — in my journal.

Here are the inquiries that proved most fruitful:

• If I could walk into the job of my dreams, and a work environment that suited me perfectly, what would it be like?
• What role would I play? What kind of team would I be part of, and what kinds of people would I work with on a daily basis?
• How would I spend my time, and what skills would I be using every day?
• What would the larger purpose of my work be? How would it be making the world a better place?

Suddenly, a surprisingly clear vision began forming in my mind: I was leading a group of talented, creative people who shared the same values I did. I was working in an urban office (I saw a publishing or agency environment with lots of activity and interaction) and also in a quiet home office some of the time.

I saw myself writing, reading, talking, listening, thinking, collaborating, leading meetings and doing public speaking. I was working on something important, creating something that I had great excitement for because it helped others enjoy better, happier lives, and develop their own best gifts.

All of this downloaded for me in the span of about 30 minutes of journaling. When I looked at what I had written, I had an epiphany of sorts: I already had all the basic skills and the right temperament for this fantasy job of mine. The only thing I lacked was the confidence that I could actually do the job I envisioned — assuming it even existed.

Then I remembered a piece of advice a good friend of mine had given me years before: “Just do what you’d do if you did have the confidence.”

It’s a long story — about 14 years long — but ultimately, that’s how I got here, doing what I love, today.

It didn’t all happen at once or without a huge amount of effort, of course. And in many ways, my parkbench vision is still evolving. But I think the commitment I made that day to investigating my own potential was an important, alchemical component in creating the conditions that allowed my dream to manifest itself.

So that’s what this issue of Experience Life magazine is all about — the question poet Mary Oliver puts so beautifully: “Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”